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The Perfect Diet

1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk

4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Oreo cookie

1 medium apple
Rest of the Oreos in the package
2 pints of rocky road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce
Nuts, cherries, whipped cream

2 loaves garlic bread with parmesan cheese
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
4 cans or 1 large pitcher of beer
3 Milky Way or Snickers candy bars

Entire frozen cheesecake eaten directly from freezer

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you eat less than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes, such as hot chocolate, hot toddies and Sara Lee Cheesecake, never count.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, you look thinner.
6. Foods consumed at the movies, such as Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls, do not have calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package and not one's personal fuel.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Food prepared by your mother and/or your best friend, and eaten in her presence, contains no calories.
9. Thing licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples: Peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich; ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
10. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples: Spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

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