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The Humor Of Jack Handey

If you lose your job, your marriage and your mind all in one week, try to lose your mind first, because then the other stuff won't matter that much.

As I walked through the woods, I looked up & saw a squirrel. I smiled and he smiled. At least I think it was a smile. My teeth were showing and my cheeks were pulled up. that's a smile, isn't it? (The squirrel was definately smiling.)

Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.

Instead of a trap door, what about an area of the floor that just shoots up real quck and smashes the guy against the ceiling?

I hope I never do anything to bring shame on myself, my family or my other family.

When I think of all the arguments Marta and I have had, I realize how silly most of them were. And it makes me wonder why she wanted to argue over such stupid things. I think I'll go ask her..

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.

There is one question that probably drives just about every vampire crazy: "Oh, do you know Dracula?"

One good thing about Hell, at least, is you can probably pee wherever you want to.

For me, the worst thing about having King Kong walk down your street is that kids could look up and see the giant genitalia.

Many people don't realize that playing dead can help not only with bears, but also at important business meetings.

There's a world that we know nothing about, that we can only imagine. And that is the world of books.

People need to realize that every time they talk about how fragile our planet is, it's just like asking the outer-space aliens to come invade us.

One bad thing about Lassie, she was always warning you about something. Let me be surprised for once.

When I think of all the hours I have spent watching television, it makes me realize, Man, I am really rich with television.

Life is a constant battle between the heart and the brain. But guess who wins. The skeleton.

If a kid asks you how Santa Claus can live forever, I think a good answer is that he drinks blood.

They say the mountain holds many secrets, but the biggest is this: "I am a fake mountain."

I don't advocate that children start smoking. But for those kids who already do smoke, boy, it's good, isn't it?

It's funny how two simple words, "I promise" will stall people for a while.

Isn't it funny how whenever a party seems to be winding down at somebody's house, you can always keep it going by talking a lot and eating and drinking whatever's left.

I wish somebody would invent a fruit that had no seeds, tasted delicious, and would scream when you ate it.

To my way of thinking, there's nothing that can't be cured by a bog ol' pot of beans. Except maybe bean fever.

When I picked up the little dead mouse that my cat had just killed, at first I felt hungry. I forget what happened after that.

Instead of a welcome mat, what about just a plain mat and a little loudspeaker that says "welcome" over and over again?

The next time you go to the doctor, go ahead and bring in a stool sample. They might need it. Better go ahead and bring some for the dentist too.

When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Ya-Hoo! We're rich! But it turned out to be something different.

To become a knife thrower in the circu, they probably don't let you start off throwing at a live woman. They start you out with a little girl.

If you're being chased by an angry bull, and then you notice you're also being chased by a swarm of bees, it doesn't really change things. Just keep on running.

In some countries, what I did would be considereItd polite. Especially in Fartland.

When I saw the old bum pushing his grocery cart down the street, at first I felt sorry for him. But then when I saw what was in his cart I thought, Well no wonder you're a bum, look at the dumb things you bought.

It's funny how annoyed people get when you carry around a bullhorn all the time, even if you don't use it that much.

Here's a tip: If you ever decide to take apart a bird's nest to see how it's made, first make sure it's not somebody's hat they got in South America.

I'll never forget the time that skunk got under the house and Grandpa went under to get him. Boy, it smelled for months. You know, that was the last time we ever saw Grandpa.

I wouldn't mind if animals ate my body, after I'm dead. And before that, they could lick me.

In my next life, I hope I come back as a parrot, because I already know quite a few words.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter sould be considered an enemy planet.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess was why several of us died of tuberculosis.

If you're robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down, I think it's okay to laugh, and to let the hostages laugh, too, because come on, life is funny.

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