The Humor Of Jack Handey
If you lose your job, your marriage and your mind all in one week, try to lose your
mind first, because then the other stuff won't matter that much.
As I walked through the woods, I looked up & saw a squirrel. I smiled and he smiled.
At least I think it was a smile. My teeth were showing and my cheeks were pulled up.
that's a smile, isn't it? (The squirrel was definately smiling.)
Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget
it, little friend.
Instead of a trap door, what about an area of the floor that just shoots up real
quck and smashes the guy against the ceiling?
I hope I never do anything to bring shame on myself, my family or my other family.
When I think of all the arguments Marta and I have had, I realize how silly most of
them were. And it makes me wonder why she wanted to argue over such stupid things. I
think I'll go ask her..
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but
that's another weakness.
There is one question that probably drives just about every vampire crazy: "Oh, do
you know Dracula?"
One good thing about Hell, at least, is you can probably pee wherever you want to.
For me, the worst thing about having King Kong walk down your street is that kids
could look up and see the giant genitalia.
Many people don't realize that playing dead can help not only with bears, but also
at important business meetings.
There's a world that we know nothing about, that we can only imagine. And that is
the world of books.
People need to realize that every time they talk about how fragile our planet is,
it's just like asking the outer-space aliens to come invade us.
One bad thing about Lassie, she was always warning you about something. Let me be
surprised for once.
When I think of all the hours I have spent watching television, it makes me realize,
Man, I am really rich with television.
Life is a constant battle between the heart and the brain. But guess who wins. The
If a kid asks you how Santa Claus can live forever, I think a good answer is that he
They say the mountain holds many secrets, but the biggest is this: "I am a fake
I don't advocate that children start smoking. But for those kids who already do
smoke, boy, it's good, isn't it?
It's funny how two simple words, "I promise" will stall people for a while.
Isn't it funny how whenever a party seems to be winding down at somebody's house,
you can always keep it going by talking a lot and eating and drinking whatever's
I wish somebody would invent a fruit that had no seeds, tasted delicious, and would
scream when you ate it.
To my way of thinking, there's nothing that can't be cured by a bog ol' pot of
beans. Except maybe bean fever.
When I picked up the little dead mouse that my cat had just killed, at first I felt
hungry. I forget what happened after that.
Instead of a welcome mat, what about just a plain mat and a little loudspeaker that
says "welcome" over and over again?
The next time you go to the doctor, go ahead and bring in a stool sample. They might
need it. Better go ahead and bring some for the dentist too.
When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Ya-Hoo! We're rich! But it turned
out to be something different.
To become a knife thrower in the circu, they probably don't let you start off
throwing at a live woman. They start you out with a little girl.
If you're being chased by an angry bull, and then you notice you're also being
chased by a swarm of bees, it doesn't really change things. Just keep on running.
In some countries, what I did would be considereItd polite. Especially in Fartland.
When I saw the old bum pushing his grocery cart down the street, at first I felt
sorry for him. But then when I saw what was in his cart I thought, Well no wonder
you're a bum, look at the dumb things you bought.
It's funny how annoyed people get when you carry around a bullhorn all the time,
even if you don't use it that much.
Here's a tip: If you ever decide to take apart a bird's nest to see how it's made,
first make sure it's not somebody's hat they got in South America.
I'll never forget the time that skunk got under the house and Grandpa went under to
get him. Boy, it smelled for months. You know, that was the last time we ever saw
I wouldn't mind if animals ate my body, after I'm dead. And before that, they could
In my next life, I hope I come back as a parrot, because I already know quite a few
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's
what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting
Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter sould be considered an
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess was why several of
us died of tuberculosis.
If you're robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down, I think it's okay to
laugh, and to let the hostages laugh, too, because come on, life is funny.
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