About ten years ago, I was sitting in my room writing in my journal. The following is what I wrote, just as I wrote it then. It pretty much described the feelings I was having at the time. Ocassionally I *still* feel this way. I feel it is a very emotional & powerful text. Again, I share this with everyone in hopes it may help someone else.
If I ever let out the scream inside me, it will be heard for miles. It will echo across acres of land and tens of years. It will be a scream of rage and hurt and violation and of things wrongfully taken. It will put fear into the hearts of wild beasts, topple mountains and shatter the calm. It will ripple and grow and turn in upon itself as it simultaneously devours everything in its path.
If I ever let out the scream inside me, it will come from the very depths of my soul. It will start at my toes, explode through my heart, spring out through my tears. It will freeze my face in an expression of terror and pain. It will rip through the essence of my being. It would convulse my body into spasms of anguish and sorrow.
I would know, at that instant, how murders happen, how suicides are excused or explained...how vulnerable each of us really are.
I would scream the rage for myself and every other child throughout time that has been hurt, abused, neglected, afraid, abandoned or forgotten. I would scream the rage for myself and every other child throughout time that has sought comfort and been turned away or ignored, that looked for answers without knowing the questions.
If I ever let out the scream inside me it would be an emotional vomiting of things rotten and diseased, of things soured and spoiled...contaminated things that sit and churn and cannot be purged by any other means than an immense, sudden and explosive release. For the feelings behind the scream are volatile....and pressurized.
If I ever let out the scream inside me, I will have to do it alone, for I was alone when it was forced upon me in the first place. The scream is mine and mine alone. It is one of the few things I was allowed to keep. Most everything else was taken.
But now the scream wants to be set free....it doesn't want to be mine anymore. It demands release. How can I expect anyone to hold me near? I don't even want to be here...Hide, hide! Go to sleep! Maybe it will fade away. Maybe it will stay... I don't think so. I think it wants out.
It hurts! It swells and presses outward...but I can't let it go!!! I am paralyzed by it. It's got ME captive instead of the other way around. Or...maybe we're both prisoners of each other....?